Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tough Times for Thumpers

Don't worry the Lord will replace your severed head in Heaven...


So I was visiting good old tv links again and I rolled the dice on a movie just because of it's title. Much to my delight, it was a Christian produced film about the end times (one of my absolute favorite genres) from the late 70's maybe early 80's. You think the current economic situation is bad? It is nothing compared to what is to come in the Years of the Beast.

The film begins with the last day of school at a university when the professor is informed by his students that the next term has been canceled by the school for economic reasons. When he dismisses the class we get the credits along with a really bizarre folky rock type number that was composed for the film as he walks to the office of one of his older colleagues. After a quick phone call with his nightmare of a spouse who wants him to pick up some groceries his older colleague informs him that the school has canned him. He gives him folder of some research that he has been doing about the current global situation as compared to the book of revelations and then all of a sudden he is gone, but his clothes are still there. Rapture anyone?

When the professor gets to the grocery store it is absolute chaos. People are scrambling for food and the store has decided to name it's own prices, charging triple for everything. He gets home and his wife is frantic because she cannot get a hold of her father. They decide to go see him.

The car breaks down along the way but it just so happens that her father's farm hand stops and picks them up. He says that he has not seen her father and when they get to the house there are traces of him being in the middle of a bowl of grapenuts, but then suddenly gone. Rapture anyone?

The next day in town the professor and the farm hand meet the Sheriff who is looking for a reason to kick some ass and Pete, a backwoods yokle with a distaste for living.

Pete Hates Life But Loves Jesus



I have been waiting a long fuckin' time to kill me some thumpers!


Soon after the antichrist takes power and declares marshall law. Hording supplies is now illegal and the sheriff, now armed with a perfect reason to fuck with people, goes door to door taking any and all food. In the end times, eating is now illegal.


Sorry Folks, Antichrist's orders

Soon the mark of the beast is introduced and you must have it to conduct any kind of commerce. The professor studies the folder given to him by his raptured friend and finds the parallels. He realizes that he must give his life to christ and refuse the mark at all costs. Even the hardened heart of Pete refuses to give his soul to the devil by accepting the mark. He witnesses a slaughter of thumpers who are hording food, and quickly goes to alert the rest of the thumpers.

THAT"S MY LORD YOUR TALKING ABOUT!!!!

When the professor and the farm hand are scrounging around for supplies one night, they are captured by an armed group of masked men. They ask, "Are you a Christian?" The professor knows he must not deny his saviour and says that he is. They all take off their masks and reveal that they are an underground group of renegade thumpers.


Before long being Christian is now illegal and the sheriff's dream has come true. He has an open license to shoot and kill thumpers and that is just what he starts doing. He stumbles across a secret Thumper stronghold that Pete prepared at the edge of the woods. They have developed a system of staying hidden in the rafters, but they forget that the sheriff has dogs.

So that's where those Thumpers are hiding

After a couple of girls leave the compound to scrounge for food, they are spotted by the Sheriff and his dogs. After the girls make the interesting decision of splitting up in the woods. The sheriff sicks his dogs on one of them and then pins her up against a tree by her face. In terror, she cries to the Lord for deliverence and he obliges. The life is sucked from her body and she falls limp. This is an important lesson for Thumpers. The only way he can truly save you, is to kill you. This leaves the sheriff pissed that he was not able to get her to sing about the whereabouts of the Thumper's hidden nest.

You got a pretty mouth.....I am gonna show you some salvation Missy

Pete and the farmhand head into town to attempt to poison the Sherrif's dogs to make the Thumper hunt harder. Needless to say, they are caught by the sherrif and Pete is shot in the back. He tells the Farmhand to go to the high country.

Hey Pete....YOU MADE IT!!!

All the while the antichrist is in action brewing up his schemes shamelessly. He doesn't even attempt to be likeable and is comfortable ruling the world under an iron fist. When the weasley pedophile dressed in a priests' outfit tells him that the Chinese are giving him problems, he says that he will give them war if they want war and also takes an unnecesary shot at the jews. He clearly states, "I am their God, they will worship me or they will burn!"


Finally an antichrist we can all agree upon

Meanwhile, as Pete had suggested, the Thumpers who managed to escape the small town slaughter retreated to the high country and even though they travelled through all kinds of hellish conditions to get there, you just know it wasn't gonna be that easy. That's right folks you guessed it, the sherrif followed them the entire way, hellbent on killin' some Thumper.

I got you Jesus Crispies right where I want you

The Thumpers are dining on bark as they bust into a not so moving rendition of We Shall Endure, they discuss that everything is gonna be great when they reach heaven and see Pete again.

The country wasn't the only thing that was high when Revelations was interpreted

The country air is crisp and life seems great until they are fired upon from above by a 12 gauge. They somehow manage to escape the buckshot and hide and then it happens

We shall endure, We shall endure (everyone join in)

The blinding light of the Lord messes up the aim of the sherrif and takes the best character in this film off the edge of the cliff. Supposedly when he returns, everyone on earth will know.

The moment these Thumpers have been waiting for

For several minutes we get closeups on the faces of these three basking in the glory of the second coming. Well, if you are like me and consider Mike Tyson to be the Messiah, this would actually be the third coming.

Move over Camel man there's a new fro in town

The farmhand is especially smitten with the coming of the Lord. He has the best white man's fro since my youth group leader Bob Love. This moment is huge for him, and it will be for you too you fucking heathen.

An amazing depiction

When I saw the third coming in this film it was amazing for me. When I was told about this as a child, this is exactly how I pictured it would be, and I mean spot on. Bad optically printed fireballs coming from the sky, accompanied by noises from the Atari 2600. I can't believe they actually read my mind on this one. Nothing short of Amazing.


Bob Love is going home

The bummer about going to heaven is thinking of who you will actually have to hang out with if it is true. I picture myself having dinner sitting between Michael Landon and Jerry Falwell, wishing that there was such a thing as death there. That stuff about their being no pain there is all just hype to get more Thumpies signed up.

That sounds hot

And we close with a strangely pornographic Bible verse. I am not so sure what this means, but I am pretty sure I saw it in a film I watched the other night that starred Rocco Siffredi and Tori Welles.

Ok, now here is what this all comes down to. Can any of you weird ass motherfuckers read the book of Revelations for what it really is? Do you not realize that according to Vincent Bugliosi, trying to interpret this while adding a dash of lyrics from four pasty white hacks from liverpool equals one dead pregnant actress on Cielo drive in the late 60's? I have read revelations in recent years and went in cold, trying to take it without anything I was told as a child. It raises an interesting question. Where the fuck did you come up with this? However it was, just please stop, just stop right now.

They used to show us movies like this in church to keep us scared. Being afraid of the tribulation is like being afraid of the Sasquatch, I mean, sure we would all love to see it. The thing I really don't understand is that the people that believe in this want to see this happen. They want to jumpstart the apocalypse, and I simply don't get it. Let's also face it, you go to any small town in this state or country and you will find at least 2 churches (more like 4 or 5). You are not gonna be persecuted anytime soon, but I do recognize that cutting off a Thumper's feelings of persecution is like cutting off a man's penis. The world being against you is all you have.

A strong thumbs up for the sherrif. I fantasized about being him through this entire picture.

P.S. - This was written with the sole purpose of angering Joel T. Tacorda

1 comment:

Francisco said...

If you liked this movie you might want to check out the "Left Behind" movies based on the books by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. I tried to watch them when I visited my parents last Christmas but my aunt only recorded the first hour of the first film. I didn't want to watch the other two films since I couldn't watch the first one on its entirety.