Saturday, May 23, 2009

God, Satan or Science?

This entire blog entry is meant to be read in the voice of the one and only Monty Hall

Howdy folks, it's time once again to play your favorite game! For those of you who are new, I will explain how we play. I will name an event, or series of events, an argument will be made for all three possibilities and then I will issue a judgment. In fact, it is not really a game at all, but you are more than welcome to argue another point of view (as futile as it may be). So get your hands in the air, it's time for


5. Hasselhoff's pay per view extravaganza

In his Prime

He is a huge star, a huge star (in remote parts of Europe) for the music he makes. In his mind, the power of his music was actually a huge part of why the Berlin wall finally came down.

Although he is able to peddle his records to those folks (and amazingly there are millions of them) who would break in to tears if they ever met Michael Jackson (yes I mean Europeans), Hasselhoff has never been able to get himself taken seriously as a singer (or in general) in the United States.

Adding to a list of bad decisions made by the upper management of the New York Knickerbockers (cough.....Larry Brown, gag....Isiah Thomas), the club asked the Hoff to perform the national anthem on one fateful evening. The next morning the Hoff was watching sports center and the newscaster rolled his eyes and had a tone of deep sarcasm in his voice when he stated that the Hoff performed before he covered the events of the game. The Hoff laid there in his bed and realized something that the rest of us have known since the mid 80's. This country does not take him seriously.

He decided to change this by staging a pay per view event from Atlantic City, where he would prove once and for all that he is an actor, singer and all around performer who not only deserves, but commands respect. The travesty unfolded as follows.

• The lights in the house dimmed, the cameras rolled, the Hoff came blazing on to the stage clad in tight satin pants performing a deranged version of the obnoxious version of the Ike and Tina version of the Creedence song Proud Mary.

• OJ Simpson killed his wife and a man named Ron Pearlmen in a fit of jealous rage in Brentwood California.

• The Hoff kept blazing like it was the last day of his life.

• OJ drove his Bronco away from the scene of the crime followed by the entire LAPD in cars and helicopters as people filled the streets

• The Hoff was well on his way to legitimacy (in his mind).

• The entire country turned their tv channels to the OJ situation, which had people filling the streets as if money was falling from the sky

• The Hoff finished his set and his assistant told him that OJ Simpson had upstaged him

• The results of the pay per view program came in............50 people watched (and these people were most likely hooked up to feeding tubes)

Who was responsible?

It could be argued that several acts of God happened on this day. Although it is more likely for money to rain from the sky than for Hasselhoff to gain legitimacy as a musical artist in the US, God may have felt the need to step in and make sure that it didn't happen. If it is true that man is made in his image, he could not have his contemporaries thinking that he created a planet where his chosen country is listening to this crap. God definitely has a sense of humor and often exercises it, and on this day he was definitely more of a Richard Pryor than a Henny Youngman.

The Hoff could spend the rest of his life in church and give his soul to Jesus and in the end he will still belong to Satan. The reason for this is because there is no way he would have gained any fame or fortune in the first place had he not sold his soul to the dark lord of the abyss. There seems little reason for Satan to deal another crushing blow to somebody who he already owns, but then again, why would he deny the Hoff any misery?

There is a phenomenon in the universe that does provide for the fame of people like the Hoff and Sony Bono, and this is the fact that in most cases the human mind does not ask for much. It is also a part of the law of averages that shows that several bad decisions will eventually lead to viral footage of an individual trying to eat a cheesburger, topless and drunk on the floor of a Las Vegas bathroom.

God -
This event is the best proof of his existence that has been seen yet.

4. The Curse of Camelot

this interior was redone courtesy of GMC

One of the greatest places in the Bay Area is Camelot Fish n' Chips in Pacifica, CA. I am actually originally from Pacifica, and I grew up eating there. It was established in 1969. Although it is a great place to pop in and have a fried meal that will shorten your life, the great Camelot has holds a curse that involves trucks.

Just a few years back Camelot was closed for remodeling, and just a week after it reopened, a curious thing happened. An SUV tore through the front of the restaurant and totaled the new interior, injuring a city official in the process. The owner was so distraught she could not even comment.

The reason for this distress is simple. This is the second time within the last decade that a truck has plowed through the front of Camelot and destroyed the inside. It is difficult to say why this happened (or rather happens), but this is surely not the last time that it will.

Who is responsible?

In the Bible, Jesus fed the 5000 by multiplying a few fish and loaves of bread into enough to feed a mid sized concert venue. Camelot has done something similar. They have found a way to multiply the weight of the citizens of the Pacific Manor area of Pacifica by 5000, using a small amount of fish. God could be trying to clamp down on the obesity that is ravishing his chosen country, but just like Darius Miles, every time you think it is finally over, Camelot bounces back with another try.

This is one of his favorite places to eat, but that may not have stopped him from throwing a wrench in the deep fryer. Satan is into misery, and the city of Pacifica is one of the strangest of the coastal towns (complete with tweeker houses and fishing supply stores where people think they reason with dungeness crabs). He could be trying to deal another blow to a town where the sun rarely shines.

Camelot is in a spot that is right across from the parking lot entrance to Safeway and a few other shops (including one that sells weird stuff that looks like it came from the garage of a 90 year old woman). It is bizarre that none of the shops neighboring the restaurant have been hit, but the direction of traffic would put cars facing Camelot more than any other store in the area.

Science -
There is actually a mathematic equation that explains why this happens:

3. The survival of Merrill Womach

I was recently with my brother and the infamous Dr. Sauce at Amoeba Records when I spotted them both carefully examining a record. When I got there and looked at what they were looking at my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. Dr. Sauce said I should buy it to which I replied.....

"I am buying this!"

best dollar I have ever spent

This record cover was amazing. I especially liked the way that Merrill is looking up like his jersey is being retired into the rafters. As it turns out, his lord and personal saviour are being retired into the rafters. I had no idea that this purchase would set off an obsession unlike any I have had since I discovered the 4 lads record High Spirits.

Upon a little investigation, I found out that Merrill Womach is a deeply religious undertaker and singer from Spokane, WA, who survived a plane crash and had hundreds and hundreds of surgeries to repair his badly charred body. He has supposedly made a killing by cornering the market of making music specifically for funeral homes. I found this amazing video, but the full length feature entitled He Restoreth My Soul is nowhere to be found. It is definitely at the top of my most wanted list, and if I thought there was a chance of not being shot, I would definitely find Merrill myself.

This is real life David Lynch shit

I don't believe a day has passed that I have not watched this video and I finally had to order the album Happy Again. The title track is currently looping at my place.

So who is responsible for him coming out of the wreckage singing at the top of his lungs?

If you dedicated every second of your life to something, it is bound to send you in to a flame pile of molten steel. Although the Womach's would like to compare themselves to the story of Job in the Bible, their story is more comparable to the story of tree man in Indonesia. It seems that if you get too close to glory of the Lord, it will pluck you from the earth or damn near it. It sure as hell would not be the first time (and Tacorda knows what I am talking about).

Again, it could be said that this is like the story of Job and Satan was given a chance to test one of the Lord's finest, but who the hell are we kidding? Satan could have gotten a clean shot and he took it. (In Tony's voice) "I would".

History has shown that aircraft takes down the best of them. John Denver, Stevie Ray Vaughn, JFK jr., Randy Rhodes, Buddy Holly and Friends, Ricky Nelson, the World Trade Center, etc... but you throw an uwavering dedication to Christ in there and your chances of survival are next to none. That is why Tacorda will always be safe while flying, because he is as lukewarm as breast milk.

Satan -
The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis is about a demon on earth corresponding with his uncle in hell about how to keep people from being thumpers. Much of the advice was very simple and often directed the potential thumper to notice small flaws in established thumpers. It could be something as simple as a ridiculous hat they wear every sunday to church. Merrill is a breathing distraction and probably one of the most twisted examples of religious conviction alive. God loved him so much he allowed this to happen:

2. The Perils of Blingin'

blingin' can be hazardous to one's health

One of my favorite news stories in the last decade was when Stephon Marbury was playing for the New Jersey Nets and decided to drive his Bentley through a rough part of New York with the top down by himself on a lovely afternoon. At a stoplight somebody ran up and ripped his necklace off and ran. He reportedly lost $250,000 in that incident. His career, likability, potential to win, clothing line, store that sold his clothing line, credibility, dignity and heart all left him in the same fashion a few years down the road.

A similar incident happened when Eric Dampier was vacationing for a few years on the bench of the Golden State Warriors while making more money than Christ at the same time. He went to a hardware store in Oakland and a gun was put to his back before he could get inside. His pockets emptied and he reportedly lost around $10k in jewelry and cold hard cash.

So who is responsible for the pillaging of the bling:

The Lord giveth and the Lord bends you over and taketh away. Unlikely in this case because Marbury and Dampier have enough money to live 50 lifetimes, but he could have been attempting to take a brother down a notch.

He certainly has a grip on these men. After all Marbury is the guy who had the infamous truck party outside of Madison Square Garden and broke out in laughter after almost every question he was asked in the ridiculous sexual harassment suit against the organization that employed him. I would have to say though that the dark lord's destruction of these guys is something that he has to let fester and brew. The quick snatch is not really Satan's style.

If you have ever been on the cover of Slam magazine trying to look hard with a pasty Keith Van Horn standing next to you, it is highly likely that it is all down hill from there. Also, if you have used Golden State as a vacation spot like so many players have, your odds of being a winner are slimmer than the odds of Pauly Shore making a comeback.

Science -
There is a very simple equation for this:

fame x bling - heart + rough neighborhood - security - class x dissent =

it really is a basic rule of nature

1. Taken down due to stunning innacuracy

I was informed by email about how the event I listed was totally wrong and yes I am pussing out here. I thought about it, and I could not leave that posting up in good conscience. It goes to show that once a story passes from one mouth to the next it is over, and the more thumperized a story gets, the less accurate it is as well.

I apologize, but on the other hand ....PISS OFF!!!