Monday, November 3, 2008

My Dad will shoot your Dad - Lakeview Terrace reviewed

In a recent report Samuel L. Jackson was named as the second highest grossing movie star of all time. The only person who has made more money in the motion picture business is Harrison Ford, and it makes perfect sense for Jackson to be in that position. If you were in a minimum of 175 films a year and all of them were bombs, you would still probably have bigger receipts than Brando in his hayday. No matter how much money you are bringing in, it is difficult for me to imagine accepting a job that would instantly lower the value of your property, but this is exactly what Sam did with his latest gem Lakeview Terrace. I can almost imagine a small fat accountant who is kicking and screaming with his arms rapped around Jackson's legs as he is walking to sign the contract on this film. I picture it being like Van Gundy was with Alonzo Mourning during the infamous Knicks/Heat brawl during the playoffs in the late 90's. Damn, now that I think about it, remember when those two teams had one of the biggest rivalries in the league going? Nowadays, the only rivalry the Knicks have going is with their own fans.

I was once again checking tv links and saw this movie listed and it was a crappy version of the film shot by somebody in the audience with a video camera. Normally I would close the link right away, but in this case I think it is the only way to watch this movie.

The picture starts with Jackson as an overbearing father telling his son to change out of his Kobe jersey because they agreed to support Shaq. In other words this is a period piece set about three years ago. Jackson has no problem establishing himself as an asshole to his kids and they go to school wishing that they had been born to different parents, or maybe not at all. Sam is going about his business and sees some new neighbors moving in. It appears to be a couple that is made up of an older black man, and younger black woman. He seems fine with this.

A few minutes later he gets another glimpse of the people next door and the older black man is talking on the phone while the young black woman is kissing on a young white man. Jackson takes a step back from the window and has the same look on his face that somebody would have if they found out at age 16 that their grandparents were not actually their parents and the person who they thought was their sister was actually their mom....(cough) Nicholson. Wait, what year is it? An interracial couple, living next door? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???!!! I thought that Tom and Helen Willis were just fictional characters, for Christ sake!!

At this point you know that we are getting into a genre that there is not nearly enough material being produced for. That would be the reverse racism picture that was so incredibly explored in the Travolta/Belafonte picture White Man's Burden. The amazing thing is that even though there is no real way to explore this genre with any kind of dignity, I have a feeling that Hollywood has only scratched the surface.

Needless to say that this is the beginning of trouble and Jackson begins doing not so subtle and annoying tactics to get the attention of the oreo relationship that just moved next door. He begins flooding their house with spotlights in the middle of the night and making downright bizarre comments. Then we find out that he is a cop.

Jackson and his partner roll up on an obese drug dealer and shake him down. After trading jabs and insults they set him on his marry way, letting him know that the day he stops being an informant is the day that they will have to stuff him into a prison cell (and they would literally need to stuff him in).

Later that night, the white neighbor is about a half a block from his house, in his car, smoking a cigarette and listening to Public Enemy when Jackson come from behind acting like he has a gun and wants his wallet. The white man hands it over and then Jackson reveals himself as the neighbor who is just looking out for his best interests. After a very uncomfortable conversation, Jackson walks away but then turns around and says, "You know, you can listen to that music all night long, but you will still wake up tomorrow and be white." Not sure how to take this, the white man uses some personal effects like Binaca and hand lotion to cover the smoke smell.

When he arrives home he finds his wife swimming and he strips nude and joins her. Before you know it there is some serious backyard humping happening that is being watched by San Jackson's kids next door. When Jackson finds this out, you just know that it will have dire, excuse me, FUCKING dire, consequences. I mean they have the nerve to not be entirely black, but now they are potentially gonna conceive zebras in front of my kids? I have a gun and don't forget it.

After some more racial commentary, bizarre comments and extreme acts of passive aggression, Jackson switches from being hostile to being Idi Amine. He goes next door because his daughter is using the neighbors swimming pool and dancing with the wife. Trying to prove some point, Jackson starts stripping nude and dancing and eventually smacks his daughter across the face in a way that conjures up the spirit of Ike Turner. Now all bets are off, we all hate Jackson officially, and lets just see how this thing plays out.

Jackson and his partner are called to an apartment building where there is a lot of screaming and madness going down inside. After Jackson asks for them to open up a blast from a shotgun comes through the door. Jackson chases the assailant down the car port where he has a shotgun under his chin and is threatening to blow his head off. Jackson gets calm for a second, approaches the man peacefully then turns into Willie Dynamite. He grabs the gun and starts accosting him. "Don't be a pussy...pull the motherfucking trigger!!!" When this situation cools down, Jackson tells the man he is gonna start being a father to that baby or else he is gonna put an ungodly hurt on his ass. This incident leads to Jackson's suspension from the police force, which really means trouble.

It is pretty obvious that when he goes home he doesn't take off the badge. Being a cop is this man's entire being, and now he is suspended? What in the hell is he supposed to do now to control the rage when he can't be whipping up on people legally? He does the natural thing and throws a bachelor party.

At 3 in the morning the interracial neighbors can't sleep because Jackson and his buddies are blasting hip hop and getting lap dances. The white man goes next door to ask them to tone it down at which point Jackson invites him inside and has him held down while strippers begin riding him feverishly. He gets up and attempts to kick Jackson's ass, but we all know that isn't happening so he goes home and begins whining and crying in his garden.

Jackson later hires the obese drug dealer from the beginning to rampage the neighbors house while they are all at a BBQ at a different neighbor's house. When the wife gets tired and wants to go home, this puts Jackson in a bind and he calls the obese thief, warning him to get out of the house. When the obese man finds the wife home he doesn't flee, but begins attacking her. The alarm is set off and Jackson and the white man hear it and come running. Jackson finds the obese man out by the pool and when he begins to explain himself to Jackson he is instantly capped. Now he has really crossed the line. He just committed murder, and he looks like the good guy for it.

A few scenes later the hills surrounding lakeview terrace are on fire and everyone is forced to evacuate. While packing for the exodus, the white man finds the obese man's cel phone in his bedroom. He calls the last number that was dialed from it while looking out the window at Jackson. Jackson answers and turns around with the same look on his face that you would have catching somebody shitting on your lawn. He runs next door gun drawn, trying to explain himself.

The white man sends his wife with the cel phone away in the car, oh yeah, and did I mention she is pregnant and the white man is bummed because he thinks she didn't take her pill on purpose? Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that her dad, along with Jackson, hates him for being white.

Jackson shoots the car, and the wife crashes. When the white man rushes to her aid, him and Jackson are now in a standoff. I can't quite remember why the white man has a gun now but he does. Oh yeah, him and Jackson got into a struggle inside and he got the gun, but we all know that no cop can carry just one. The cops are now there with their guns drawn, demanding that both men drop their guns. They both refuse and keep shouting at each other. When the white man brings up Jackson's dead wife (who I forgot to mention, Jackson probably killed because she was cheating on him), Jackson is pushed over the edge and opens fire and is instantly killed by the police.

The interracial couple go off in an ambulance feeling optimistic about their new family, just like anyone would after something like this. Credits roll, we're out, jesus fucking christ, deep breathe.........deep breeeeeaaaaaaathe.

Too many thoughts to get straight at this point, but one word sums it up......WHATTT? (in Joel Tacorda voice)

This film proves once again that no matter what name the script assigns him, he is still Samuel L. Jackson. I do not mean this to be a racial remark but he truly is becoming this generation's Louis Gossitt Jr. Their careers are very similar. Gossit was not just nominated but won an oscar, and that prompted him to throw all class and integrity out the window. I think there were 5 or 6 Iron Eagle movies and he was in every single one. He was even Dolph Lundgren's sidekick in the first Punisher film even though that character in the comic was a 400-600 lb. white guy (interesting casting to say the least). These days, Gossit cannot get a job to save his fucking life. It is because we all burned out. He appeared in every film from 1980 - 86.

Jackson is now in his Iron Eagle phase. He was nominated for an Oscar for Pulp Fiction and then stopped reading scripts and just started cashing checks. He will never get another oscar nomination because he is now a full blown parody of himself. It is only a matter of time now before we need a break. I have a feeling that we aren't going to get one.

I just remembered that this one time I was watching Montel or one of those trashy day time talk shows and the guest was a very beautiful and exotic women who has dated many celebrities. They said that they had a surprise after the break and it turned out to be that she was actually born a man, but she was not born with the proper anatomy so she "corrected" the problem. At the break there was a montage of pictures of her former lovers and there was a big picture of none other than Louis Gossit Jr. I am sure he appreciated being outed like that, especially since it is all myself and several million Americans who saw the show can think of when they see him. This may be his finest work.

Verdict on the movie:

Thumbs up for some of the best overacting ever captured on film and for Louis Gossit Jr.'s "diverse" lifestyle.

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