An open letter to Queensryche

Yesterday I got an email from Ticketmaster with the listings of the concerts coming to town. As always, I began scrolling through the list to see if there is anything interesting. I did find something interesting, but there is no way in hell I will be attending.

There were a handful of listings for shows by Queensryche and then right beneath them a handful of listings of shows by Queensryche starring Geoff Tate. I must admit that I read about this rivalry a while back and found it hilarious, so confusion was not part of this. I did, however, begin to look around the web a bit to confirm that this is really happening.

Going back a bit, I must admit that I have seen Queensryche twice. Both times were incidental. The first was a Day on the Green show at the outdoor Oakland coliseum supporting Metallica.¹ The two bands before them were Faith No More and Soundgarden and how Queensryche even fit on this bill is still a mystery to me. At the time they were riding the wave of Silent Lucidity, which many in the media were comparing to the work of Pink Floyd. Let me be as plain as I can about this.

I watched Pink Floyd (during the mediocre at best Learning to Fly period of the band) from roughly the same spot I watched Queensryche at Day on the Green, in the exact same outdoor arena. I actually think it was the Division Bell tour. Anything that this gutted version of Floyd did on those two albums looks like a masterpiece next to Silent Lucidity. I will even go as far as to say that those (so called) Pink Floyd records were garbage.

The second time I saw Queensryche was supporting Judas Priest at the Bone Bash concert at Shoreline Ampitheater in Mountain View, CA some years back. I was very disappointed that the drummer's cymbals weren't hanging from chains. The only song I recognized was Empire. I may be wrong, but it seems like I heard at the time that Mr. Tate was not "into" doing the crowd pleasers which everyone wants to hear. I could see this being true and we will be back to Mr. Tate momentarily.

I can honestly say that both times I saw them, I really tried to like Queensryche. The truth is that I couldn't wait for them to finish the set. I remember as a kid seeing the live in Japan video for Queen of the Reich on Night Flight and being fascinated at the Japanese headbangers dressed in leather and studs from head to toe that the camera would often cut too. Besides seeing the "Maiden Japan" record cover in Rainbow Records, I believe this was my first introduction to the fact that heavy music is beloved all over the world.

In the following few years we would often look past the blatant suckiness of a band when signs of technical prowess were displayed. High speed guitar solos from the androgynous axe slingers of bands like Extreme and Mr. Big would often be able to grab our attention through the murky waters of anthems about getting laid. To be fair, Queensryche was held in a higher esteem than those aforementioned groups. 

They were thought of as a musicians band that also appealed to the hair rock crowd. Along with Dream Theater, they were said to be cut from the same cloth as Rush (something I couldn't disagree with more). This being said, Queensryche and Dream Theater ² are bands that I should like, and I have revisited the music of both wondering if age and maturity would somehow allow me to understand what this music is about. The ugly truth is that I don't last 30 seconds with the music of either band.

I will admit that I do like the song Gonna Get Close to You off of 1986's Rage for Order. I like it because it sounds like something that Bowie could have done, and its inappropriateness rivals only that of Winger's ode to statutory rape, 17. ³ From what I can tell this song is literally about stalking a girl and having an uncontrollable urge to harass her. I don't think that you could get away with this song this day in age where restraining orders are thrown out like cheap cigars at dudes who just can't let go. 

Now that I got all that out of my system, I can offer you guys a solution. 

Here are three simple steps to getting back your dignity, rebuilding your fan base, and returning the bitch slap to Geoff Tate.⁴

1. Lose the singer.

I don't mean the new singer, I mean lose vocals all together. It took quite a while to find the Tate-less Queensryche site and when I did I saw that you got a new singer and are still going to try and make this thing work. The new guy looks like he was sent down from central casting as the "heavy metal replacement singer".

At least the chains are a nice touch

Show the musicians crowd what you guys are capable of as musicians. Write a record that is odd, challenging and laced with virtuosity. Every time you are thinking of doing a straight 4/4 tune that caters to a high pitched melody, don't look the other way, turn the other way and run like your fucking life depends on it. 

The three of you will have those of us who could never get over the Geoff Tate hump (let's be real, he is the main reason why we could never like you) saying, "Your never gonna believe this but those dudes who used to be in Queensryche just made a record that I can't stop listening too". Stop playing casinos and start playing small clubs. As of right now, reading about the Brazil Melee and this unprecedented business of two versions of a band touring simultaneously has to be the most entertained I have ever been by you guys. 

2. Get rid of the leather and the rock hairstyles and wear some human being clothes. 

It seems like aging rockers always feel obligated to dress like they are bad extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, that doesn't make you look cool. What you know what's cool? You know what look is ageless?

LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING!!!

Part of the thing that makes a musicians band a musicians band is that they actually seem like human beings. Robert Fripp dresses like he is at a board meeting at Apple. Alex Lifeson dresses like he could be at my next BBQ. When you get dressed to go onstage and you take a good hard look in the mirror, if you can honestly say that you could go on the street and nobody would think you are trippin……break a leg.  

3. Most importantly, don't let Geoff Tate have Queensryche, let Geoff Tate be Queensryche. 

The truth of the matter is that his version of the band is playing the Fillmore and the other three guys are playing the casino circuit. It shouldn't be a revelation that nobody wants to hear Queensryche without Geoff Tate. He has you beat on having all the domain names, rolling out merch, and is obviously not going to ever let this go. 

Let Geoff Tate go down with the sinking ship that is Queensryche. Just let him have it. He's playing with Rudy Sarzo and Bobby Blotzer for fuck sake!!! ⁵ Holding on to this and fighting him is the worst thing you could do. Part of this is not addressing any questions about it either. You guys are now a hybrid neo-jazz progressive rock group that incorporates all those ideas and influences that you couldn't quite explore under the Queensryche moniker. There is no use in talking about the past at this point because you guys couldn't be more excited about what you're doing now.

Until he goes to his grave, Tate will be stuck writing songs about nuns getting involved in government conspiracies with dudes who look like they are second in command to Anton Lavey.  

I think that Tate is taking fashion advice from the ghost of Lavey himself these days.

By the way, what singer is "starring" in his band? Tate may be starting an amazing new trend with this. In fact, every time from now on that I am stuck watching a supporting act that has obviously held on for too long I'm going to see the singer as "starring" in the band. I could see conversations like this happening in rural areas of the country.

Hick 1: I took my girl to see Ratt last night

Hick 2: Who was the opening band?

Hick 1: Winger starring Kip Winger

You can go ahead and ignore me. In fact, most people will see how much I wrote about this and think that this is an insane amount of words for a band I don't even like. This, I cannot deny. If you do choose to ignore me, and make a new concept record that nobody understands, I wouldn't say you guys are beating a dead horse, you're more like using the dead horse as a sleeping bag (like Luke Skywalker did with that snow kangaroo). 

Let it go bro……let it go……….

Footnotes

1. At this Day on the Green show, my friends and I were camped out somewhere in the top of the back of the arena. I figured that's where I would stay and watch the show and that would have been the smart thing to do. When Metallica took the stage, somehow my youthful energy made me run down several flights of stairs on to the lawn and into the first mosh pit I could find. About ten seconds in, somebody who was at least twice my size flew through the air towards me and punched me as hard as he could in the balls before he hit the ground. When I managed to get up, big shirtless tattooed dudes on the perimeter of the pit pushed me back in and made me run around at least twice before I managed to escape. I blame this incident on the reason why I don't have kids and I officially retired from moshing that day.

2. A colleague of mine went to a Dream Theater show with somebody who liked the band and raved about it to him. He had never heard their music and thought it sounded like it would be amazing. He said that within one song he realized that he was going to be stuck watching this because of how stoked his friend was on it. He labeled the overall experience as "depressing".

3. Another song that belongs on the inappropriate hit list is Uncle Tom's Cabin by Warrant. This song makes no sense and is polarizing to say the least.

4. By saying "return the bitch slap to Geoff Tate" I absolutely mean that you are currently being bitch slapped by him.

5. Is there an unemployment line for washed up heavy metal dudes? I would love to see it if there is. I could imagine a bunch of chairs filled with dudes like Tommy Aldridge, John Sykes, Frankie Benalli, Vinnie Vincent ⁶, Robin McCauley, and Taime Down all sitting holding their number tickets waiting to see where they are going to be assigned as Don Dokken is at the window being told that there is an opening with Kix. 

6. Yes I did!!! I made a footnote of a footnote!! When I was at Napster I would get all the legal documents that were happening with the company. I think this is something that maybe happens by law when a company is having it's balls sued off. There was this long list of plaintiffs that was pretty interesting to look over. Many of them were folks that were never famous trying to make a buck and I believe that there were even a few church groups on there. I remember running across the Vinnie Vincent Invasion on the list. 

Queensryche it could be worse………you could be Vinnie Vincent.

God, Satan or Science?

This entire blog entry is meant to be read in the voice of the one and only Monty Hall

Howdy folks, it's time once again to play your favorite game! For those of you who are new, I will explain how we play. I will name an event, or series of events, an argument will be made for all three possibilities and then I will issue a judgment. In fact, it is not really a game at all, but you are more than welcome to argue another point of view (as futile as it may be). So get your hands in the air, it's time for

GOD, SATAN or SCIENCE?!

5. Hasselhoff's pay per view extravaganza

In his Prime

He is a huge star, a huge star (in remote parts of Europe) for the music he makes. In his mind, the power of his music was actually a huge part of why the Berlin wall finally came down.

Although he is able to peddle his records to those folks (and amazingly there are millions of them) who would break in to tears if they ever met Michael Jackson (yes I mean Europeans), Hasselhoff has never been able to get himself taken seriously as a singer (or in general) in the United States.

Adding to a list of bad decisions made by the upper management of the New York Knickerbockers (cough.....Larry Brown, gag....Isiah Thomas), the club asked the Hoff to perform the national anthem on one fateful evening. The next morning the Hoff was watching sports center and the newscaster rolled his eyes and had a tone of deep sarcasm in his voice when he stated that the Hoff performed before he covered the events of the game. The Hoff laid there in his bed and realized something that the rest of us have known since the mid 80's. This country does not take him seriously.

He decided to change this by staging a pay per view event from Atlantic City, where he would prove once and for all that he is an actor, singer and all around performer who not only deserves, but commands respect. The travesty unfolded as follows.

• The lights in the house dimmed, the cameras rolled, the Hoff came blazing on to the stage clad in tight satin pants performing a deranged version of the obnoxious version of the Ike and Tina version of the Creedence song Proud Mary.

• OJ Simpson killed his wife and a man named Ron Pearlmen in a fit of jealous rage in Brentwood California.

• The Hoff kept blazing like it was the last day of his life.

• OJ drove his Bronco away from the scene of the crime followed by the entire LAPD in cars and helicopters as people filled the streets

• The Hoff was well on his way to legitimacy (in his mind).

• The entire country turned their tv channels to the OJ situation, which had people filling the streets as if money was falling from the sky

• The Hoff finished his set and his assistant told him that OJ Simpson had upstaged him

• The results of the pay per view program came in............50 people watched (and these people were most likely hooked up to feeding tubes)

Who was responsible?

God?
It could be argued that several acts of God happened on this day. Although it is more likely for money to rain from the sky than for Hasselhoff to gain legitimacy as a musical artist in the US, God may have felt the need to step in and make sure that it didn't happen. If it is true that man is made in his image, he could not have his contemporaries thinking that he created a planet where his chosen country is listening to this crap. God definitely has a sense of humor and often exercises it, and on this day he was definitely more of a Richard Pryor than a Henny Youngman.

Satan?
The Hoff could spend the rest of his life in church and give his soul to Jesus and in the end he will still belong to Satan. The reason for this is because there is no way he would have gained any fame or fortune in the first place had he not sold his soul to the dark lord of the abyss. There seems little reason for Satan to deal another crushing blow to somebody who he already owns, but then again, why would he deny the Hoff any misery?

Science?
There is a phenomenon in the universe that does provide for the fame of people like the Hoff and Sony Bono, and this is the fact that in most cases the human mind does not ask for much. It is also a part of the law of averages that shows that several bad decisions will eventually lead to viral footage of an individual trying to eat a cheesburger, topless and drunk on the floor of a Las Vegas bathroom.

Verdict:
God -

This event is the best proof of his existence that has been seen yet.

4. The Curse of Camelot

this interior was redone courtesy of GMC

One of the greatest places in the Bay Area is Camelot Fish n' Chips in Pacifica, CA. I am actually originally from Pacifica, and I grew up eating there. It was established in 1969. Although it is a great place to pop in and have a fried meal that will shorten your life, the great Camelot has holds a curse that involves trucks.

Just a few years back Camelot was closed for remodeling, and just a week after it reopened, a curious thing happened. An SUV tore through the front of the restaurant and totaled the new interior, injuring a city official in the process. The owner was so distraught she could not even comment.

The reason for this distress is simple. This is the second time within the last decade that a truck has plowed through the front of Camelot and destroyed the inside. It is difficult to say why this happened (or rather happens), but this is surely not the last time that it will.

Who is responsible?

God?

In the Bible, Jesus fed the 5000 by multiplying a few fish and loaves of bread into enough to feed a mid sized concert venue. Camelot has done something similar. They have found a way to multiply the weight of the citizens of the Pacific Manor area of Pacifica by 5000, using a small amount of fish. God could be trying to clamp down on the obesity that is ravishing his chosen country, but just like Darius Miles, every time you think it is finally over, Camelot bounces back with another try.

Satan?

This is one of his favorite places to eat, but that may not have stopped him from throwing a wrench in the deep fryer. Satan is into misery, and the city of Pacifica is one of the strangest of the coastal towns (complete with tweeker houses and fishing supply stores where people think they reason with dungeness crabs). He could be trying to deal another blow to a town where the sun rarely shines.

Science?

Camelot is in a spot that is right across from the parking lot entrance to Safeway and a few other shops (including one that sells weird stuff that looks like it came from the garage of a 90 year old woman). It is bizarre that none of the shops neighboring the restaurant have been hit, but the direction of traffic would put cars facing Camelot more than any other store in the area.

Verdict:

Science -

There is actually a mathematic equation that explains why this happens:

3. The survival of Merrill Womach

I was recently with my brother and the infamous Dr. Sauce at Amoeba Records when I spotted them both carefully examining a record. When I got there and looked at what they were looking at my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. Dr. Sauce said I should buy it to which I replied.....

"I am buying this!"

best dollar I have ever spent

This record cover was amazing. I especially liked the way that Merrill is looking up like his jersey is being retired into the rafters. As it turns out, his lord and personal saviour are being retired into the rafters. I had no idea that this purchase would set off an obsession unlike any I have had since I discovered the 4 lads record High Spirits.

Upon a little investigation, I found out that Merrill Womach is a deeply religious undertaker and singer from Spokane, WA, who survived a plane crash and had hundreds and hundreds of surgeries to repair his badly charred body. He has supposedly made a killing by cornering the market of making music specifically for funeral homes. I found this amazing video, but the full length feature entitled He Restoreth My Soul is nowhere to be found. It is definitely at the top of my most wanted list, and if I thought there was a chance of not being shot, I would definitely find Merrill myself.

This is real life David Lynch shit

I don't believe a day has passed that I have not watched this video and I finally had to order the album Happy Again. The title track is currently looping at my place.

So who is responsible for him coming out of the wreckage singing at the top of his lungs?

God?
If you dedicated every second of your life to something, it is bound to send you in to a flame pile of molten steel. Although the Womach's would like to compare themselves to the story of Job in the Bible, their story is more comparable to the story of tree man in Indonesia. It seems that if you get too close to glory of the Lord, it will pluck you from the earth or damn near it. It sure as hell would not be the first time (and Tacorda knows what I am talking about).

Satan?
Again, it could be said that this is like the story of Job and Satan was given a chance to test one of the Lord's finest, but who the hell are we kidding? Satan could have gotten a clean shot and he took it. (In Tony's voice) "I would".

Science?
History has shown that aircraft takes down the best of them. John Denver, Stevie Ray Vaughn, JFK jr., Randy Rhodes, Buddy Holly and Friends, Ricky Nelson, the World Trade Center, etc... but you throw an uwavering dedication to Christ in there and your chances of survival are next to none. That is why Tacorda will always be safe while flying, because he is as lukewarm as breast milk.

Verdict:

Satan -

The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis is about a demon on earth corresponding with his uncle in hell about how to keep people from being thumpers. Much of the advice was very simple and often directed the potential thumper to notice small flaws in established thumpers. It could be something as simple as a ridiculous hat they wear every sunday to church. Merrill is a breathing distraction and probably one of the most twisted examples of religious conviction alive. God loved him so much he allowed this to happen:

2. The Perils of Blingin'

blingin' can be hazardous to one's health

One of my favorite news stories in the last decade was when Stephon Marbury was playing for the New Jersey Nets and decided to drive his Bentley through a rough part of New York with the top down by himself on a lovely afternoon. At a stoplight somebody ran up and ripped his necklace off and ran. He reportedly lost $250,000 in that incident. His career, likability, potential to win, clothing line, store that sold his clothing line, credibility, dignity and heart all left him in the same fashion a few years down the road.

A similar incident happened when Eric Dampier was vacationing for a few years on the bench of the Golden State Warriors while making more money than Christ at the same time. He went to a hardware store in Oakland and a gun was put to his back before he could get inside. His pockets emptied and he reportedly lost around $10k in jewelry and cold hard cash.

So who is responsible for the pillaging of the bling:

God?
The Lord giveth and the Lord bends you over and taketh away. Unlikely in this case because Marbury and Dampier have enough money to live 50 lifetimes, but he could have been attempting to take a brother down a notch.

Satan?
He certainly has a grip on these men. After all Marbury is the guy who had the infamous truck party outside of Madison Square Garden and broke out in laughter after almost every question he was asked in the ridiculous sexual harassment suit against the organization that employed him. I would have to say though that the dark lord's destruction of these guys is something that he has to let fester and brew. The quick snatch is not really Satan's style.

Science?
If you have ever been on the cover of Slam magazine trying to look hard with a pasty Keith Van Horn standing next to you, it is highly likely that it is all down hill from there. Also, if you have used Golden State as a vacation spot like so many players have, your odds of being a winner are slimmer than the odds of Pauly Shore making a comeback.

Verdict:

Science -

There is a very simple equation for this:

fame x bling - heart + rough neighborhood - security - class x dissent =

it really is a basic rule of nature

1. Taken down due to stunning innacuracy

I was informed by email about how the event I listed was totally wrong and yes I am pussing out here. I thought about it, and I could not leave that posting up in good conscience. It goes to show that once a story passes from one mouth to the next it is over, and the more thumperized a story gets, the less accurate it is as well.

I apologize, but on the other hand ....PISS OFF!!!

Letter of the Week

This letter is from a few years back but I thought I should post it again so everyone could get a kick out of it. Poor kid.

I have suspected for many years that I can't win, but now I know for sure. I am 19 years old and ever since I was young I always wanted to play guitar. My father was hit by a train when I was ten, but even as early as age six he had me listening to Hendrix, Zeppelin, Clapton and the Allman Brothers. My mom on the other hand is a born again, so she saw it all as the music of the devil. Because of this my dad used to play this music for me when we would have father and son time, and it made me like the music even more because it was like having a little secret. Becoming a rock guitar player was not an option in my home. I had the option of learning piano because I would be able to play the songs we sang in church, but, let's face it, that fuckin' sucks.

When I turned sixteen, I had had enough of this and decided that I was going to work until i could get a guitar and learn to play. I did any small job I could find around the neighborhood, but mostly a lot of yard work. After about 6 months I had saved of enough to get a guitar and an amp and that is exactly what I did. It was truly one of the best days of my life. Fast forward three years....

I now have a stepdad who definitely is more in love with Jack Daniels than he will ever be with my mom, and I forgot to mention I have a little brother who likes the shittiest music on the planet. Since my mom now has her hands full and I took the brunt of the suffering as a child, my brother's music collection is not restricted. This means for a good two years I resisted the urge to hang myself because of having to listen to Korn every day (we share a bedroom). One day it all came to a head.

I came home and freaked out because my guitar was missing. I yelled at my mom but she said she honestly didn't know where it was. I was pissed. About an hour later, my drunk ass step dad came in with a shit eating grin on his face holding my guitar case. He said he had a big surprise for me. I was relieved but nervous. What could he be doing with my guitar? He is too fucking stupid to have anyone upgrade the electronics or do any kind of work on it. He set down the case and opened it. My jaw hit the floor and has yet to return.

Everything Staind touches turns to shit

He saw a flyer saying that the band Staind was gonna be at the tower records down the road and went and took the guitar to have them sign it as a "surprise", completely ignoring the fact that it is my little brother who is the one that is into those douchebags. Gee thanks "Dad".

I am not sure what to do. When I initially tried, it seemed like the marker they used was not gonna come off easily and I don't really want to destroy the paint. I put it up for sale but the only offers I got were for less than half of what I paid for the guitar. I wish I could somehow let the guys in Staind know a couple of things. The first thing I would tell them is that their band could not suck any more than it already does, and the second thing I would tell them is that their signatures on anything of value should result in them being charged with vandalism. Stick to T shirts, tits, and record covers you jerkoffs!!!

So I am writing this letter for a bit of advice. I would like to know what the best route to resolving the situation with the guitar is (getting rid of this one for a decent price), and also how can I not imagine killing my stepdad with a variety of materials including fish hooks. I thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

I hate the world
St. Paul, MN

Low Points

There are some actors that are not even worth mentioning here because besides being sprinkled with a bit of luck here and there, their entire careers are low points....(cough) travolta....(gag Robin Williams). There are, however a good list of somewhat respectable actors who have actually won oscars and participated in productions that are unexcusably horrendous. In fact, the oscars should just end because although they may give an actor a boost in the payroll department, they certainly don't give a boost in the integrity department. The following is a list of low points from some of the stage and screen's finest.

10. Harvey Keitel - Monkey Trouble

We Still Love you Harvey

Those who know and love Harvey know that he has had his share of ups and downs. He had already starred in both Mean Streets and Taxi Driver and was still rejected entrance into the actor's studio. He never quite made it over the edge of obscurity in the 70's starring in such films as Fingers, Mother, Juggs and Speed,Paul Schrader's Blue Collar, and the very first episode of Kojack, but managed to become an indie darling in the 90's after the entire Tarantino thing happened. He was willing and eager to get buck naked in front of the camera and starred opposite Madonna in the travesty that was Dangerous Game. Yet in the middle of his resurgence he took the role of the evil simian keeper in Monkey Trouble.

Now it has maybe never been stated publicly but the monkey film is a legitimate genre and has been for many years. Ronald Reagen made his Bonzo Films, Clint had his Anywhich Way period, there is Going Ape with Tony Danza and even thrillers like Monkey Shines: An Experiment in Fear, but why did Harvey Take this role in a rather subpar film in a subpar genre? A man's gotta eat right?

(An interesting side note is that the little girl in Monkey Trouble was played by a very young Thora Birch who went on to get naked and seduce the son of a nazi in American Beauty)

9. The cast of Species (known internationally as Feces)

Sex with Aliens has Never Been Hotter

The cast of this film has had it's fair share of low points, Ben Kingsley in Bloodrayne (a film that got it's first bad review after the first draft of the script was written), Forrest Whitaker in Battlefield Earth, Michael Madsen (the poor man's Tom Sizemore and vise versa) in Free Willy, but those all came after this ill conceived sci fi flick that probably gets a thumbs up from most dudes because of the relieving yourself to a naked and hostile alien factor. This film is also a low point for artist and noted satanist H.R. Giger who basically crapped out the alien design for this one. I am sorry to say that this is even a lower point for Giger than creating the microphone stand for the singer from Korn. One interesting side note is that shortly after making this film Alfred Molina began a strict diet of triple whoppers with cheese and extreme big gulps, leading to his role as Diego Rivera in Frida.

Whitaker's character is unbearable in this film. He plays a guy who is employed by the government because he can feel the emotions of what happened in the room when he visits crime scenes. He was cast in this role because in real life he suffers from the same disorder. It is called Hyper Acute Predictability.

You can't be too hard on this film though, it is about a horny alien in the body of a supermodel who is trying to get laid so she can spawn an alien child that will spread his seed all over the planet and ultimately create a much better species than humans. Now that I think about it, this film should be removed from the list all together.

8. Faye Dunaway - Cougar Club

Ummm.....third from the right

This direct to video gem is about a couple of guys who start praying down on older women while trying to work their way up in a corrupt law firm. They begin a club that enrolls guys from all over who are interested in satisfying lonely, rich and frightening looking women who look like posters for the dangers of plastic surgery. It is a film that is so ridiculous, it is pointless to even get into the plot, but the shocking thing is the participation of Faye Dunaway who is the queen of the cougars and supplies the boys with the aging and rotting meat. The amazing thing is how the women embrace the term cougar, is that what you would want to be known as?

7. Robert DeNiro - Rocky and Bullwinkle

What's up with the Nazi garb?

Let's take a good solid look at DeNiro. He was one of the great actors of the 70's and starred in numerous films that will go down as the greatest and most groundbreaking performances in history of film. Many film critics and historians have cited Raging Bull as the greatest film of the second half of the last century and his performance in that film jump started the entire get fat for an oscar stunt that people seem to feel is still daring. The truth is however, that dodging the phone calls from you personal trainer and buying stock in Krispy Kreme being seen as an act of heroism is....well......heroic.

You would think that somebody with the clout and life experience that he has had would allow Deniro the privileges in life that many could only dream of, the company of leaders and kings, exclusive treatment and fine dining anywhere on the planet, any woman he wants, entrance to secret societies and access to secrets that are only rumors to common folk. You would think of the things that you would do with his status, and the things that you would be into. Now let's have a look at what he is into.


Now, don't get me wrong, I grew up on Rocky and Bullwinkle and think it is a damn good time, but supposedly Deniro championed this film and it was made because of his enthusiasm towards it. Having a look at the work over the last two decades that was not mailed in, it was phoned in and not even personally, he had his secretary do it (The Fan, Night And the City, Ronin, Men of Honor, the list is extensive), it is nearly impossible to think of him having enthusiasm for anything. I cannot help but think of him stuffing his mouth with popcorn while uncontrollably laughing like a total gumba while watching Dudley DoRight. The rest of us have to just go back to the grind each morning knowing that this is the type of thing that floats the boat of society's elite. Cyanide anyone?

6. Patrick Ewing - The Exorcist Part 3

Scariest moment in NBA history

It could be said that his low point was when he had to get on the stand and confess that he was serviced by hookers in the back room of an Atlanta strip club in a trial that was linking the club to the mob, but then there is the Exorcist 3 in which he was given the role of the angel of death. Now, it is a strange casting decision, but keep in mind who directed the film, William Peter Blatty, author of the book the exorcist. The popularity of the Exorcist projected him from behind the typewriter into the director's chair and gave us such masterpieces as The Ninth Configuration. The Exorcist 3 was promising to be the scariest film since the exorcist and therefore tried to recreate some of the scariest moments from the first film. Patrick Ewing was in the dream sequence and had huge wings and his head appeared to be sowed on. To add insult to injury, one of the other angels was played by male model Fabio (who went on to get his nose broken on a rollercoaster by getting hit in the face with a flying goose). All I know is that Ewing retired without a ring and this film is most likely why.

I saw this in the theater and was pretty new to the entire Exorcist thing at the time. Coincidentally, my friends older brother was there and happened to sit in the row behind us. I watched it and was trying to be scared and convince myself that this movie was good. I thought I had a solid thumbs up on this one until after the movie in the lobby, my buddy's older brother informed us that it was an utter pile of crap......and that was that.

5. Peter O'toole - King Ralph

Oh wait, he was in King Ralph...We're gonna need that back Mr. O'Toole

Let's face it, John Goodman kicks ass. He was great as the aww shucks, blue collar Satan in Barton Fink, the crazed Vietnam vet and bowler in the Big Lebowski, and the father of a dysfunctional family in Todd Solondz's Storytelling (although Robert Wisdom as the pompous creative writing teacher in the first act is pretty much impossible to top), but for every good thing he has done he has done ten bad things. There is a group of films he has been part of where the punch line of the entire film is that he is fat. There is no finer example of this than in the 1991 film King Ralph where he is the heir to the throne of England...........and he's fat.

Now putting Goodman aside, the real tragedy/travesty of this film is that it has Peter O'toole in it. Now it could very well be argued that his low point was his performance in Caligula, but who are we kidding, that movie kicks some major ass. It was an ill conceived production from the beginning being made in a time when porn kings were stretching for cinematic legitimacy. Hugh Heffner gave an honest attempt at it with the production of Roman Polanski's snorefest Macbeth, but Bob Guccioni just couldn't bring himself to not insert some porn in there. When the director would rap for the day, Guccioni would sneak in and shoot some porn scenes and have the editor sneak them in causing director Tinto Brass to rip his hair out. What other film has Malcolm Mcdowell fist a man and his new bride on his wedding day? Need I say more?

O'toole is a screen legend and was given the honorary oscar a few years back (which is pretty much the equivalent of kick in the balls), but he will never win a straight oscar for a performance. The reason why is that his performances in Lawrence of Arabia and the ill fated Jodorwsky film the Rainbow Thief is not enough for him to be forgiven of the sin that was King Ralph.

4. Dennis Hopper - Super Mario Brothers

A Low point for Dennis is truly a Low Point

You gotta love Dennis. Rumour has it that the original script to Blue Velvet had him rape Kyle Mclachlan in the field while he plays the Candy Colored Clown in the background, but it was seen as a little too much. For our sake though, Kyle's anal hymen was no longer in tact after this seen and that is just that. Dennis can do whatever he wants and it somehow does not tarnish our image of him. He can take the crappiest roles, direct subpar films, and collect art that looks like smeared dog crap and we love him for it. One of my favorite things he did was when directing colors (anyone know why the hell he was given the job of directing a movie about south central LA?) he somehow left extended scenes in the final cut of Sean Penn lifting weights to bad synth rock. I am still a little unclear on how this drove the plot forward.

This entry is a bit of a gas for me because many consider his role in Waterworld to be his low point, but who are we kidding, that movie ruled. Costner with gills? He should be able to breathe underwater in all films. Knowing that may cause me not to dry heave when I see his image on a poster for an upcoming film. The video game movie is at the nadir of all film genres but they must be doing something right, they make them all the time. It is still hard to think of them making a live action Super Mario Brothers movie, but they did and our boy Dennis played King Koopa. Although it is a definite low point, you can't let it taint your image of him. He probably got a Goya for his living room out of it, and you cannot expect much out of him. After all, my favorite moment from him was in the Corman directed Jack Nicholson written movie The Trip when Fonda with a head full of acid stumbles into Dennis' drug induced harum after stumbling across elves dancing in the forest. Hopper tells him something like, "Far out man, your in the pocket, but you can't stay here cuz I got all kinds of stuff laying around". A great cinematic moment and Dennis has and will be forgiven because of it.

3. Kirstin Scott Thomas - Under the Cherry Moon

The Most Androgynous Man in History

Quite possibly the most homoerotic film ever produced, this film introduced the world to future Oscar winner Kirstin Scott Thomas as a rich girl who could have anything she wants and somehow falls under the spell of the most androgynous man in the history of the world. You know you are in trouble on this one when the end of the opening credits says "directed by Prince". The two main characters of the film are Prince and Jerome Benton of the Time, who, instead of being Morris Days' service boy bringing him a mirror and throwing chics in dumpsters at his beckoned call, is Prince's slave who does things for him like put rose pedals in the water as he bathes and arranges for him to screw and swindle rich older women. These two can hardly have a conversation without their lips almost touching and their relationship is questionable at best. In a nutshell Kirstin Scott Thomas is a rich whore who actually falls in love with Prince until he is shot by her father. The scene where Prince is shot and stumbles to his death is among the best death scenes ever.

This film is a great example of somebody getting cinematic power who has no business dabbling in the medium because he managed to capitalize on his initial popularity with a successful film. I think everyone around Prince was afraid to say that the movie Purple Rain may have made money, but it was far from good (kind of like how people were afraid to tell Costner that he had lost his mind while making the Postman). The lessons I took from that one were that the key to a girl's heart is a fist to her face, and don't make the mistake of having children because if you do, they will live in your basement for their entire lives, waking you up at some ungodly hour each night when they roll in on a purple motorcyle wearing tight leather, lace and mascara.

Thank the Lord that these films were made though, the world is a better place because of it.

2. Jeremy Irons - Dungeons and Dragons

Wow this must have been some paycheck

I suppose to fairly review this film I would have had to stay awake through it, but this early days of CG classic has to be the low point for Jeremy Irons. Forget the fact that it has Marlon Wayans dressed in some ridiculous medeival garb running around acting like he is in a sketch from in living color, this is definitely Irons' show as the bad guy. The first five minutes that set up the plot have some of the best overacting that he has ever done (imagine that). It was as if the director was so stunned that he actually had Irons that he just let him go with the material and was too intimidated to make any suggestions. In all fairness, a strong performance from Irons could not have saved this one.

While I was watching this, my wife asked me what D&D is and I said, "A game that Joel Tacorda has based his life upon". Enough said....

1. Raul Julia - Street Fighter

He deserved better

This is truly a tragedy. Having done films such as Kiss of the Spider Woman and Romero, Raul Julia had a respectable yet somewhat spotty career (for now, we will just forget that the Addams Family ever happened), but the last role he played before his untimely death was that of M. Bison in the live action Street Fighter movie. (Rumor has it that the character in the game who looks exactly like Mike Tyson was supposed to be called M. Tyson, but being at the zenith of his ass kicking career Tyson would have sued Capcom's balls off so they changed the guy in the Nazi uniform's name to M. Bison and called the Tyson Character Balrog).In all fairness, it was a paycheck even though it was opposite Van Damme, but if he only knew that this would be his final work, I think he would have thought this out a little more.

....and just for kicks

0. Joel Tacorda - In search of Anger

That's your buddy

It could be said that the film he made for his political science class at Foothill College ( in which he turned into a producer that made Saul Zantz look uncircumsized and ended up with a result that made Al Jolson look politically correct but somehow wowed a multiracial crowd and made him rise to stardom in the class) would be his low point, but then came my film In Search of Anger several years later.

Tacorda spent his entire time in front of the camera taunting me and and saying how I am going to fail in finding legendary satanic filmmaker Kenneth Anger, while eating bad desserts at Denny's and reading books penned by Lloyd Kaufman. While shooting, he kept arguing that he has no desire to be in the film and was in LA to scout schools while being taken on my downward spiral/joyride that ultimately lead to Anger, but he ended up being the conflict in the film that was missing.

When I had cut together a few scenes and showed them to him he said, "This film makes me look like a complete asshole", and proceeded to act passively aggressive towards me for a few weeks. When I finally asked him what his problem was it came out in the same sort of tirade as when I once ripped on his Watchmen lithographs after a comic convention, "YOU ARE MAKING A FILM THAT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE!!!" In all fairness Tacorda, I was just working with what you gave me. Much like the work of certain legendary animators the film was applauded and booed, but Tacorda was definitely the star. I can just add this to the list of things that he will go to the grave pissed off at me about.

One of my favorite conversations ever was with Tacorda when I was about 13. It went something like this:

Me - "I don't understand why you are mad at me..."

Tacorda - "Aaron.....that is part of the reason why...."

Tough Times for Thumpers

Don't worry the Lord will replace your severed head in Heaven...

So I was visiting good old tv links again and I rolled the dice on a movie just because of it's title. Much to my delight, it was a Christian produced film about the end times (one of my absolute favorite genres) from the late 70's maybe early 80's. You think the current economic situation is bad? It is nothing compared to what is to come in the Years of the Beast.

The film begins with the last day of school at a university when the professor is informed by his students that the next term has been canceled by the school for economic reasons. When he dismisses the class we get the credits along with a really bizarre folky rock type number that was composed for the film as he walks to the office of one of his older colleagues. After a quick phone call with his nightmare of a spouse who wants him to pick up some groceries his older colleague informs him that the school has canned him. He gives him folder of some research that he has been doing about the current global situation as compared to the book of revelations and then all of a sudden he is gone, but his clothes are still there. Rapture anyone?

When the professor gets to the grocery store it is absolute chaos. People are scrambling for food and the store has decided to name it's own prices, charging triple for everything. He gets home and his wife is frantic because she cannot get a hold of her father. They decide to go see him.

The car breaks down along the way but it just so happens that her father's farm hand stops and picks them up. He says that he has not seen her father and when they get to the house there are traces of him being in the middle of a bowl of grapenuts, but then suddenly gone. Rapture anyone?

The next day in town the professor and the farm hand meet the Sheriff who is looking for a reason to kick some ass and Pete, a backwoods yokle with a distaste for living.

Pete Hates Life But Loves Jesus

I have been waiting a long fuckin' time to kill me some thumpers!

Soon after the antichrist takes power and declares marshall law. Hording supplies is now illegal and the sheriff, now armed with a perfect reason to fuck with people, goes door to door taking any and all food. In the end times, eating is now illegal.

Sorry Folks, Antichrist's orders

Soon the mark of the beast is introduced and you must have it to conduct any kind of commerce. The professor studies the folder given to him by his raptured friend and finds the parallels. He realizes that he must give his life to christ and refuse the mark at all costs. Even the hardened heart of Pete refuses to give his soul to the devil by accepting the mark. He witnesses a slaughter of thumpers who are hording food, and quickly goes to alert the rest of the thumpers.

THAT"S MY LORD YOUR TALKING ABOUT!!!!

When the professor and the farm hand are scrounging around for supplies one night, they are captured by an armed group of masked men. They ask, "Are you a Christian?" The professor knows he must not deny his saviour and says that he is. They all take off their masks and reveal that they are an underground group of renegade thumpers.

Before long being Christian is now illegal and the sheriff's dream has come true. He has an open license to shoot and kill thumpers and that is just what he starts doing. He stumbles across a secret Thumper stronghold that Pete prepared at the edge of the woods. They have developed a system of staying hidden in the rafters, but they forget that the sheriff has dogs.

So that's where those Thumpers are hiding

After a couple of girls leave the compound to scrounge for food, they are spotted by the Sheriff and his dogs. After the girls make the interesting decision of splitting up in the woods. The sheriff sicks his dogs on one of them and then pins her up against a tree by her face. In terror, she cries to the Lord for deliverence and he obliges. The life is sucked from her body and she falls limp. This is an important lesson for Thumpers. The only way he can truly save you, is to kill you. This leaves the sheriff pissed that he was not able to get her to sing about the whereabouts of the Thumper's hidden nest.

You got a pretty mouth.....I am gonna show you some salvation Missy

Pete and the farmhand head into town to attempt to poison the Sherrif's dogs to make the Thumper hunt harder. Needless to say, they are caught by the sherrif and Pete is shot in the back. He tells the Farmhand to go to the high country.

Hey Pete....YOU MADE IT!!!

All the while the antichrist is in action brewing up his schemes shamelessly. He doesn't even attempt to be likeable and is comfortable ruling the world under an iron fist. When the weasley pedophile dressed in a priests' outfit tells him that the Chinese are giving him problems, he says that he will give them war if they want war and also takes an unnecesary shot at the jews. He clearly states, "I am their God, they will worship me or they will burn!"

Finally an antichrist we can all agree upon

Meanwhile, as Pete had suggested, the Thumpers who managed to escape the small town slaughter retreated to the high country and even though they travelled through all kinds of hellish conditions to get there, you just know it wasn't gonna be that easy. That's right folks you guessed it, the sherrif followed them the entire way, hellbent on killin' some Thumper.

I got you Jesus Crispies right where I want you

The Thumpers are dining on bark as they bust into a not so moving rendition of We Shall Endure, they discuss that everything is gonna be great when they reach heaven and see Pete again.

The country wasn't the only thing that was high when Revelations was interpreted

The country air is crisp and life seems great until they are fired upon from above by a 12 gauge. They somehow manage to escape the buckshot and hide and then it happens

We shall endure, We shall endure (everyone join in)

The blinding light of the Lord messes up the aim of the sherrif and takes the best character in this film off the edge of the cliff. Supposedly when he returns, everyone on earth will know.

The moment these Thumpers have been waiting for

For several minutes we get closeups on the faces of these three basking in the glory of the second coming. Well, if you are like me and consider Mike Tyson to be the Messiah, this would actually be the third coming.

Move over Camel man there's a new fro in town

The farmhand is especially smitten with the coming of the Lord. He has the best white man's fro since my youth group leader Bob Love. This moment is huge for him, and it will be for you too you fucking heathen.

An amazing depiction

When I saw the third coming in this film it was amazing for me. When I was told about this as a child, this is exactly how I pictured it would be, and I mean spot on. Bad optically printed fireballs coming from the sky, accompanied by noises from the Atari 2600. I can't believe they actually read my mind on this one. Nothing short of Amazing.

Bob Love is going home

The bummer about going to heaven is thinking of who you will actually have to hang out with if it is true. I picture myself having dinner sitting between Michael Landon and Jerry Falwell, wishing that there was such a thing as death there. That stuff about their being no pain there is all just hype to get more Thumpies signed up.

That sounds hot

And we close with a strangely pornographic Bible verse. I am not so sure what this means, but I am pretty sure I saw it in a film I watched the other night that starred Rocco Siffredi and Tori Welles.

Ok, now here is what this all comes down to. Can any of you weird ass motherfuckers read the book of Revelations for what it really is? Do you not realize that according to Vincent Bugliosi, trying to interpret this while adding a dash of lyrics from four pasty white hacks from liverpool equals one dead pregnant actress on Cielo drive in the late 60's? I have read revelations in recent years and went in cold, trying to take it without anything I was told as a child. It raises an interesting question. Where the fuck did you come up with this? However it was, just please stop, just stop right now.

They used to show us movies like this in church to keep us scared. Being afraid of the tribulation is like being afraid of the Sasquatch, I mean, sure we would all love to see it. The thing I really don't understand is that the people that believe in this want to see this happen. They want to jumpstart the apocalypse, and I simply don't get it. Let's also face it, you go to any small town in this state or country and you will find at least 2 churches (more like 4 or 5). You are not gonna be persecuted anytime soon, but I do recognize that cutting off a Thumper's feelings of persecution is like cutting off a man's penis. The world being against you is all you have.

A strong thumbs up for the sherrif. I fantasized about being him through this entire picture.

P.S. - This was written with the sole purpose of angering Joel T. Tacorda